


Pulse

by ThereIsNoTragedyInThat



Series: Spirits and Cocaine [8]
Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fear, Infidelity, M/M, Nightmares, Oneshot, Protective Steve Murphy, Secret Relationship, Steve Needs a Hug, i just needed to get this out of my head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:47:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29415081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThereIsNoTragedyInThat/pseuds/ThereIsNoTragedyInThat
Summary: This wasn't okay at all.
Relationships: Steve Murphy/Javier Peña
Series: Spirits and Cocaine [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2100027
Comments: 10
Kudos: 39





	Pulse

Javier had all of one second to catch his balance before a familiar hand wrapped itself around his arm and yanked him none to gently into one of the dozens of doors down a hallway in the embassy. He caught a brief glance of files littering the floor and boxes stacked to the ceiling, windows with the old-fashioned sliding shades pulled across and then a hand was on his chest, shoving him against the door they’d just come through.

Steve was in front of him then, eyes all wide and angry as he just looked at him for a long moment and Javi just stared back, flustered and taken off guard by his partner’s sudden aggression. Steve’s hair was tousled, face red from the heat and the exertion of their most recent chase, sweat dripping off the man liked he’d run a marathon, chest heaving like he still was and Javi just knew this was going to blow up spectacularly.

The thing was…they’d caught their man and his girlfriend, the perfect leverage for the interrogation that was going to start in about twenty minutes and Javi wasn’t really sure where everything had gone wrong. In the end, they’d had to split up, one of them to nab the girl and the other to go after their quarry and for a wild moment, Javier wondered if the anger brimming in Steve’s gaze was because he thought he’d been left behind again.

He nearly laughed incredulously right then, but the hand on his chest slid just a little bit higher until Steve’s palm rested at the base of this throat, thumb pressed into the crook of neck right over his pulse and something disturbingly like fear flashed through his partner’s eyes. Words were stolen from him, swept away with the shocking sight of Steve’s chin trembling minutely, leg bouncing like he was trying real hard to control himself, and those fucking _eyes_.

“Don’t-” Steve’s words were quiet, tumultuous. “Don’t you fucking do that again Javi, don’t- don’t- don’t you fucking dare.”

Javier could feel his brows drawing close, shook his head, trying to understand why they were here like this, why now but that only seemed to aggravate Steve further. He was pushed a little harder against the door and Javi automatically reached up to grip Steve’s wrist tightly, holding him, trying to reassure him.

“I don’t know-”

“You didn’t answer me,” Steve hissed. “There was gunfire and you just…you went fucking silent and I couldn’t find you.”

Realization dawned on him as he took in the wrecked expression on his partner’s face. Before Jaiver had managed to take down the target, they had exchanged gunfire, which had prompted a few hidden associates of Escobar’s to set off their guns in an attempt to intimidate him. It hadn’t worked, Javi had gotten him on the ground and handcuffed, had by complete accident, knocked the sound on his radio way down.

He hadn’t even realized anything was wrong until the Bloc backed them up and a truck came swinging around the corner, until Steve was right up in his face, eyes stormy and mouth twisted into something angry and miserable. His partner hadn’t said anything and Javi had known there was _something_ not quite right, but there were too many people around to make a scene.

This. This made sense now.

“I’m sorry,” he tried.

“Don’t,” Steve closed his eyes and Javi missed them instantly, didn’t know how to make this better, wasn’t used to somebody caring this much. “I don’t want you to be sorry Javi, I just don’t want you to do that again. Don’t leave me in the fucking dark.”

There was an implication there, one that he had no intention of addressing, not now. Steve was still breathing hard, still seemed to be on edge so Javi carefully relaxed each muscle. He stopped pushing against the hand at his throat, a subconscious act of refusal, forced the tension to drain from his body before loosening his hold on Steve’s wrist.

His eyes fluttered open and Javi was taken aback by how exhausted he looked, bruises beginning under his eyes, a slump to his posture and he was acutely aware of the fact he hadn’t woken up next to Steve that morning, found the man already making a second pot of coffee. Javier wondered what he’d dreamt about, what had kept him all night and what had prompted Steve to pull him close and hold him the moment he found himself trudging into the kitchen.

Sliding his hand carefully up Steve’s arm, he kept going until he could cup the back of his head, fingers tangling in the short hairs there, and tugging lightly. Just like that, Steve let out a shuddering breath, his entire body trembling with it and he finally bent his elbow so Javi could drag him into a hug, that hand still resting at the bottom of his throat.

Steve immediately buried his face in Javier’s shoulder, his breath hot against his skin, body damp with sweat and he held him, just held him for several long moments. Only when his partner seemed to subside, seemed to have slowed his breathing and was just leaning heavily against him, Javier spoke, “I didn’t mean to and it won’t happen again. I’m sorry.” There was no response, but he wasn’t discouraged. “I’m sorry I scared you and I’m sorry I didn’t ask about your nightmare this morning.” Steve stiffened, he carried on. “You only ever get like this after the bad ones and I shouldn’t have-”

“Javi,” his voice was muffled, lips moving against the thin fabric of his shirt in quiet plea. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” Like he was embarrassed by his own reaction, was trying to do damage control by making Javi believe this was nothing.

It wasn’t.

This, Javier knew intimately, was the reason why couples weren’t allowed to work together in law enforcement, let alone the DEA or the military. This was the reason why losing a partner got you an automatic leave like the death a family member. This, he thought with an aching heart, was too dangerous to continue.

This wasn’t okay at all.

Instead of pushing him away, instead of letting his mind wander to what it might take to infuse some distance between them, he just held Steve tighter, didn’t want to go back to an empty bed, an empty home, couldn’t imagine letting Steve go without the shredding pain in his chest making itself known.

“I’ve got you,” he murmured instead. “I’ve got you.”

They weren’t ever going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Not gonna lie...I'm not entirely happy with how this came out but I couldn't stop thinking about it so here we are. Enjoy!


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